So my weigh in this morning was 141.8 finally. I’d been plateaued for a while now, so finally seeing the number come down felt great. It felt really empowering to see my weight drop. I’m still working toward my eventual BIG goal of 118 (lowend healthy BMI for my height, but only 6lbs away from my first real goal of 135. After that I’m going to aim for 130, then 125, then 118. Baby steps, I am a work in progress.
Speaking of work, today’s treadmill cardio workout was a revelation on a couple levels. I cool down now at the tempo that was my full out effort when I started. I’m still not Fast by a LONG shot. It takes me 52 minutes to go 3.1 miles. I’m working to get that time under 45 minutes before my actual 5k on the 23 of next month. I think it’s entirely feasible. I’d love to get under 35 min, but I’m not sure I can do that without overtraining, Anyway, progress is getting made, gradually.
I woke up this morning with a little bit of DOMS in my shoulders, but otherwise not very sore at all. Fixing to hit the tread and do an easy mile as an “off day”. Since I’ll be away this weekend at an event that involves a TON of walking, I’m going to take it slow and mellow today and tomorrow, doing only a little easy walking today, and weight training tomorrow. My Fitness bands are supposed to be here today, so I may take them w/me although I’m fairly confident the hotel we stay at has a fitness center. Since using the fitness center was never a big focus of mine in the past, I can’t say what equipment it has, but I don’t think expecting a weight machine is out of line. I do KNOW there is a pool and hot tub. Priorities, after all. Worst case, a few easy laps in the pool might be just what I need to cross train a little. I’m psyched that my Fitbit Flex is supposed to be here tomorrow morning before I leave. I’ve always thought this event had me walking a few miles everyday and will be interesting to see how the number of steps taken matches up to my perception of distance travelled. It’ll also be interesting to see if my fitter body hurts less from all the walking than my horribly out of shape self did last year. I’m pretty sure the answer will be yes, but it’ll be interesting to see.
Overall, today is a pretty decent day, despite the never ending damp and cold rain…April Showers…etc.
I usually don’t write twice in one day, but I just observed a conversation that I felt obligated to blog about. I’m pretty easygoing in most avenues of my life, and willing to accept w/o a whole lot of bitching that things are the way they are, and fighting with them is usually a futile waste of energy…ie. politics, etc. I’m listening to the BF and the Carpet Guy (CG) talk, and both of them are older (50+) than my 35 years. They are actually angry at the powers that be. (in this case discussing water/sewer rates) and willing to fight them. Me, I accept that someone rich is going to demand I give them money, because that’s the way it is, and you can’t fight city hall. This appears to be a generational difference.
So I went to get dressed for dinner tonight, and thought I’d put on my “good” (covered in rhinestones and bling) belt. I hadn’t worn it since sometime in mid 2014, and hadn’t really thought much about it since. I’m used to putting on a belt and letting it out a couple of notches. This time, I put on my belt and…the smallest hole on it was 2-3 inches too loose. I literally had to take my pocket knife, and put an extra hole to be able to wear it. This is an awesome feeling.
I walked/jogged 3 miles this afternoon, and spent half an hour on my weight machine. I’m really liking the changes in my endurance and strength. It feels really good to be able to do more than I used to, and to fit into my old clothes comfortably. I haven’t seen a LOT of recent movement on the scale, but having the belt be so oversized makes me feel GREAT!
I’m steadily improving.
I’m going to revert for a moment from my new focus on health/exercise. Not because I’m stopping being proud of the improvements I’ve made. I can now fit in most of my “skinny clothes” w/o bulging in new and unsettling ways. I’m in the best condition, both physically and emotionally that I’ve been since my Husband’s diagnosis 5 years ago. 5 years. Its hard to accept that time has moved on that far. There are moments it feels like just yesterday, and other moments when it feels like another lifetime. Both feelingsare true. Since I started my prozac last month, I feel a lot better. I feel more calm overall. I still do NOT like certain high-risk (percieved) situations, and they trigger anxiety inside my head, but without much bleed through to where anyone could tell my brain is exploding with terror. Ativan helps with this. I hate to use it, but I have used it 3 times this month. Since my Pdoc says I can safely use it 2x/dy, I’m not overly concerned with it’s use.
I’m doing pretty well overall. Happier than I’ve been in years, which may be a sign of just how bad my depression really was. I’m still grieving, the medication doesn’t affect that, it does, however mitigate the profound depression and apathy that had accompanied my grief, and allows me to be mostly happy. My grief, without the depression, is tolerable. I can miss my husband, even as I smile at the thought of his reaction to me running, which is a BIG change in my lifestyle and interests.
I’m less irritable, and resent people less for continuing to live. I’m ok. I promised him I would be, and much to my own shock I’m going to be ok.
So I’m reading a book set not far from where I met my late husband, and a peculiar nostalgia hit me. Not that I really would move back there, many of my friends there have died, or moved away,and it wouldn’t be home anymore without them. Every now and then though I look at real estate prices there, just to feel…tied to it maybe? I don’t know what to call the emotion. I miss the home of mymemories, not the place it is now, and I’d miss my remembered home as much if I were physically there, as I do now, if not more. I have attempted to explain this more than once to the boyfriend, but he doesn’t get it. He’s lived within 15 miles of here his entire life, and doesn’t understand. Anyway, just needed to babble.
Today I hit 3.25 miles in an hour, with the first two walked in a record 36 minutes, a 6 minute reduction in time. HOO-AH! I feel really stinkin proud of myself. I made quinoa and turkey stuffed acorn squash for supper, and am just generally feeling pretty damn decent today. Glad I didn’t take another off day from my routine. I’m getting a lot closer to my goal of being able to run/walk/jog a 5k next month. I might be the slowest person out there, but I am seriously looking forward to getting out there. Yes, I said looking forward to, as in, having enthusiasm for something in the future. I credit the prozac, but maybe a little bit also the exercise is helping me. I have no misconception that I’m going to be a model or anything, but it does feel good to be accomplishing something beneficial for myself. Anyway, have a good night