The new phone….

I got on Amazon last night and ordered a new phone.  My current phone is 7 years old, and was a gift from my late husband.  I suck at letting go.  I had nightmares all night again, and I’m pretty sure the phone is to blame.  I get accused by my BF of not “moving on” or “getting over” my loss fast enough.  Maybe it’s true.  I hold on to a bunch of little things, because the BIG IMPORTANT PERSON is GONE, just GONE to a place I can’t reach, where no matter how badly I NEED to, I can’t hold on to HIM.  My new phone will be here today.  I feel excited, but scared too.  My old phone called doctors, called in to work, called HIM from the store, answered when friends called, and made THE call the night HE died.  It’s my old friend.  I know where everything is on it, how to work the features, and it’s familiar.  It took me a year plus after He died to be able to use this phone (for a while I went no phone, and then to a flip).  I spent more money on this new phone than I’ve ever spent on a phone (no contract, and it’s a smart phone with a massive camera).  I’m scared I made the wrong choice.  What if it doesn’t last 7 years?  I hate making choices w/o my husband.  I feel inadequate to make even the most insignificant ones, and having to make them alone is terrifying.  I have a big fear of failure, and making choices alone has a huge ass risk of that.  It’s stupid to be scared of a cell phone, right?  The worst that can happen is I spent a month’s rent in a decent neighborhood on a piece of plastic that fails me. So why am I freaked out?  

Also, in other news. I bought a pink hula hoop.  


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