I’m not angry…today

I’m not feeling the blinding rage I used to. I think as the year 3 mark approaches (less than 2 weeks remain) I’m starting to accept that this is my new “normal”, without judging it as harshly as I used to. Am I still in constant pain, yes, but it’s not the sharp searing”I’m going to stop breathing it hurts so much” kind of pain. Now it’s a beautiful ache. It hurts differently. It doesn’t stop, but I’ve gotten used to the pain being with me. I don’t mind it as much because I’ve stopped judging it. It’s not the “enemy” and I’m not “fighting” it anymore. I’ve accepted that the ache where my husband once was is a part of who I am now, just like the joy was a part of who I was then. I’m able to remember (sometimes) without it stabbing me through the soul with pain. I can even smile and not feel like it’s unnatural.
A friend of mine is expecting a grandchild around my husband’s birthday, and I am sincerely happy (and hoping they share a birthday so I have an extra reason to spoil this baby).
About a month ago it felt like the pain of losing my husband had begun to ease, but I didn’t write much about it. I think I was afraid I’d jinx it if I spoke about it. I still cry, but not as hard or as long. It’s more a matter of my eyes getting teary, and then…I keep going.
I’d still give anything and everything to have my husband back with me, even for a few minutes, but I’m able to live in the now more. My husband once told me that since he returned from Vietnam, he lived with death over his left shoulder. I wish I’d understood more then. Since he died, I’m learning to live with it just over mine. If I look back too suddenly, it can still blind me with it’s pain.
I’m in a better (emotional) space than I was a year ago most of the time. I’ll survive.

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