My heart is full.

It’s funny, even happy things bring tears to my eyes and choke me up. I didn’t used to be this way, but anymore, it’s common for me to feel half like crying, even when happy. And it’s the dumbest things that can set me off. Today, it’s a cheesy bio-pic of Walt Disney. I don’t know why. It’s like my heart is overflowing into my eyes, both with joy and sorrow. I am not a big fan of this, if only because my mascara doesn’t hold up well.
On the good news front…My friend’s cancer is either Stage 1 or 2, so…not as bad as we’d feared..5 year percentages are looking better than 50/50, so…yeah, that. Trying to remember how it feels to be hopeful. Hope is not an emotion I am good at anymore, if I ever was.
Also, the costume I made her granddaughter, it won 1st place. I’m rather proud of it. If I can figure out how to add a photo to this blog, I’ll add a picture of the costume. Oh, by the way…I’m Snow White. 😉

2 thoughts on “My heart is full.”

  1. oh, Kate – I am so relieved for your friend that the cancer is in a early stage. I love the photo of her adorable granddaughter wearing the costume you made her for Halloween – and hey, you make a lovely Snow White.

    tears are having the same effect on me – happy, sad, somewhere between what seems like 2 (or 3 or a dozen) different worlds – I don’t know at 18 mos out what it means. I feel lonely, but often being with friends gives me no respite, no comfort. I hate it when grief goes all quiet and mysterious, that it is such fucking hard work to figure it all out. but I do know this – as soon as I do figure it out, i’ll be bawling my eyes out for hours – which will feel a lot better than the constant waterworks that seem to come out of nowhere and leave me wilted and bewildered.

    1. Karen, Yesterday I typed out a long-ish reply, only to find that the internet “ate” it. ARGH! Needless to say, I was to aggrivated to try to retype. I think for me, part of why I cry so readily now is two fold. 1.) am VERY aware (one might even say hyper-aware) of how really precious happy moments are, and how easily they can be stolen. 2). I still wish my husband were sharing them with me, even though I now am living a life completely different from ours together.
      I cry as often as ever, but less of a flood and more of a choked up, eyes brimming with tears kind of crying compared to the sobbing and screaming of the first 2 years, so, I’m thinkinking it gets less overwhelming. I’m learning to live with grief. My husband once told me, he had lived with death just over his left shoulder since coming back from Vietnam. I didn’t really understand what he meant by it then, but I think I get it now.
      Love to you!

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