Self care, sewing, smiles

As I write this I am seated at my kitchen table, using decent posture (something I’m working on) waiting on my green tea to steep, so I can drink it,take my Vitamins (frigging horse pills), so I can go do cardio.  Self care.   It takes a LOT of energy.  Yes, I am seeing decent (though gradual) results, but…it’s a LOT of effort.   I think overall, I’m staying on track pretty well.  Yesterday, I missed a workout day, but I’ve met or been under my calorie goals for the last week.  Supposedly these goals will let me lose 8-10lbs a month and reach my goal weight in June.  We shall see.

I moved most of my stuff into my new sewing room yesterday.  I still need a few things for storage, but overall i’m happy with the layout,and THRILLED to finally get to finish some projects I’ve had waiting on me since last year.

Since my husband’s stuff was stored in the same area and type of totes as my sewing stuff, I had a small patch of weeping going through and organising it, but have made plans to move his stuff from the basement to our storage building.  I took out a couple of his shirts that I might wear, including the shirt we were married in.  It’s starting to get  easier to smile when I remember our good times.  I still miss him but, I’m starting to accept that life has to go on.  I am so thankful for my Prozac.


2.77 miles

So I didn’t push myself at as high a tempo today, but I did log a respectable 2.77 miles.  I took an entire hour of workout time, which is longer than usual but I really felt good.  I worked up a sweat for about half the time, and took my time doing a warm-up and cool down.  I went out to breakfast today, but managed to limit myself to a cup of oatmeal and some coffee with Splenda, which the extra treadmill time should have taken care of.  Only one of my friends noticed the weight loss, but hopefully this last 30 lbs will be more noticeable.  I hope I look better at 115 than at 165 anyway! LOL

Hopefully Tuesday I’ll break 3 miles.  I probably could have pushed myself to it today, but I really am trying not to  overtrain and hurt myself, so  I’m happy with 2.77 and not hurting.

I’m eager to get my weight machine set up and start some more serious weight training.  I’m doing some bodyweight based work now, but I think I’ll really start to see muscle gains when I am able to focus on individual muscle groups more and increase the weight as well as reps.

Of Meds and Money

So I got a magazine today that gave me a website ( that allowed me to compare the price of my meds at local pharmacies.  Since I felt like I had overpaid at the pharmacy when I got them filled last time ($32 total for generics with insurance)  I figured comparison shopping wouldn’t hurt me any.  Well, I was right, I overpaid.  Cash price at Kroger (as in no insurance at all) would be $22 TOTAL for both my Ativan and my Prozac, same dosage, same number of pills.  Even if I had to self file and wait for reimbursement (unlikely, but possible) I’d still be out of pocket LESS money while waiting for reimbursement.  Needless to say, my next refill is being transferred to Kroger.  I’m going to start checking any prescriptions I get on that website, because frankly, I’m not rich enough (by a LONGSHOT lol) to spend more money for the same exact thing I can get less than a block away for LESS.

*No one is giving me anything to tell the truth about goodrx, and how I saved money*


This morning’s weigh in has me at 144.4, Probably as accurate as anything.  I didn’t resist the brisket sandwich after all, the boyfriend brought one home for me, yet it didn’t seem to cause any real weight gain.  I made Vegetarian Chilli tonight, and turkey wraps for lunch.  I also made a ridiculously decadent birthday cake for a friend of the boyfriend’s.  There is a special room in Hell full of desserts made by people on diets.  Seriously.  I’m not even a big dessert person, but Oreo cookies are a weakness of mine, making an oreo cookie chocolate poke cake was hard.

Then, the boyfriend wanted me to go into to town with him this morning, and I missed my regular treadmill time.  So we sat around the house when we got back while I did laundry.  I got a new pair of yoga pants while we were in town, so now I have two pairs of workout pants.  After I got them clean, I was able to go 2 miles on the treadmill, including less than 20 minutes to do the first mile.   Once I get my time down to a 15 minute mile, I’ll work on adding more distance.  I think I’m doing agoodjob finding the balance between time and distance training.

I’m STILL waiting to hear back from the guy selling the weight set.  Hopefully I’ll hear something soon.

It’s working….slowly

I weighed in this morning at 144.8.  I broke 145, finally!  Less than 10 lbs to reach my first goal, still 29.2 from final goal weight, but hey, it’s working.  I’m now losing the 40 lbs I gained the first winter after my husband died, the additional 20ish pounds I gained in the two years thereafter are already G-O-N-E!  WHOO-HOO!  I don’t think getting back to the weight I was when he died will bring him back, but I know that was the way he liked my body, and I’m enjoying the process of getting there. The only thing I don’t LOVE about it is that I am choosing to miss out on a few meals out that I really love…like the BBQ Brisket the boyfriend is currently eating.  He does this every time I try to drop weight.  It’s like when I start to succeed he has to throw up roadblocks.  I’m not going to let him stop me from reaching my goals.   I had 2 cheat meals already this week, so it’s not like I’m being a total stick in the mud about going outside my limits.  I just don’t want to get into the bad habit of eating out and thinking it’s ok, because I do it all the time.  Once I reach my goal weight I’ll be a little more lenient about how often I can “cheat”, but for now I’m thinking 2x a week is plenty, maybe even more than plenty.  Besides, it’s nice having some control over my life, even if it’s just my weight.   I will get back to myself, even if I’m not 100% sure who that is anymore, at least I know who that looks like.

2 miles…

So today I took it easy on myself, and decided to work for distance, not speed or intensity, since for some reason I was a little stiff, even after stretching.  Since I was taking a lower intensity, I figured I’d increase my time, and my incline but keep the pace low and increase my distance.   I did 1.5 miles on Monday, so I was aiming for 1.75 (trying to go up .25 miles every session until I’m doing 3.5, and then working to improve my time).  I felt so in the zone once I found my tempo though that I was into the 8th lap before I realized it.  I figured what the hell, may as well finish, so I did 2 whole miles today.  Yes, they were slow miles  (52 min for those who care), but they were miles…this from a girl who flunked the physical fitness test EVERY year they forced me to take it, usually in tears.  I am NOT an athlete at all by nature or inclination, but I am getting to a stronger, healthier self both physically and mentally since going on Prozac (no, I’m not an infomercial for it, it’s just changed my life that much.)  If you had asked me if I was “depressed” before I would have probably said no, because I wasn’t actively suicidal, I just didn’t want to live.  To be honest, after my husband died, I just wanted to die too.  I didn’t want to live in a world without him.   Well, I had to.  3 years and nearly 7 months later,  I am trying to take as much care of myself as I did him.  It’s starting to work.  The total of almost 60 lbs I gained after he died are coming off me, slowly, but they are coming off.  I’ve already lost 25+ and when I drop another 10 I’ll have reached my first goal weight, but just as important, I’m losing this weight in the right ways, not by starving myself, or further abusing my body.

I’ve become a LOT less disorganised, the boyfriend and I fight less over the difference in our ideas of “clean”, and I’m having to think that perhaps the mess/disorganisation was more a symptom of depression than a true personal preference (I’ll still never be a neat freak, but less chaos is good.)  If it was a symptom, I should have started Prozac back in 1987, it would have made my life exponentially better/easier.

I have been able to do more towards being a healthy, happy, productive person in the 5 1/2 weeks I’ve been on Prozac than in the 30+ years before.

Anyway, I’m doing better.  I still miss my husband, but it’s starting to feel possible for me to have a future that despite not including him, is a pretty decent thing.  Also, I’m planning to buy a weight machine next.  He’d be proud of me.


Well, I’ve been working out for almost 10 days now.  Wow…I can’t believe how out of shape I was.  I did a mile and a half on the treadmill today.  For anyone tracking my progress, thats a quarter mile more than last time.  I feel amazing.  I’ve had my first DOMS episode yesterday, so I took the day off to recover.  My abs hated me…but I went back to my routine today, and while I’m slightly tender I’m not in agony anymore, so I call that a win.  I’m not any lighter yet, but I fit into a pair of pants today that I bought 2 years ago, and never got to wear.  The sad thing is, they are too loose now! LOL  I guess I’ve been adding muscle instead of losing weight, which is ok by me.  I’m wearing some of my “new” clothes today and
I have to say I can’t remember the last time I felt this good.  I’m proud of myself.  I’m doing something just for me and it feels good.

Life after death. Antiques, dolls and stuff.